Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Have you ever noticed that clowns are scarier than zombies?

Clowns are scary

Seriously, you know it's true! Oh sure, some of them have smiles and pretty hair and noses that honk, but that's all just a facade. Behind all that face paint is a demon or something. Maybe even an alien. Yeah, I bet there's an alien underneath all that make up.  There is something truly sinister about clowns. They never show you who they truly are. I think clowns are always plotting, always scanning the crowd to see who they can honk their horn at or mimic in a way that makes everyone but you laugh.
Why do we need sad and angry clowns? There's enough sadness and anger in the world without some dude with more make up than Tammy Fay to be running around exagerating it.
The happy clowns are even worse, because you know they're not really happy. They probably have a drinking problem. All clowns do, you know. Happy clowns probably cry more than sad clowns when you're not looking.
Clowns want to beat you up. You know it's true. They want to beat you up because you seem normal on the outside. They want to beat up your family too, even your grandma. That's right; clowns don't like your grandma.
Unlike zombies, clowns are fast. They always appear out of nowhere and when you run from them, they keep up with you. They have really big feet which allows them to cover more ground. Clown feet are dangerous because you know they're going to step on your toes. You can't dance with a clown either.
If you try to fight a clown, you're doomed. They call all their friends who drive up in a clown car capable of holding an infinite number of clowns . . . or midgets, but that's another story. If you beat up on Bofo then Spanky, Albert, Ronald McDonald, Fluffy and their clown friends are coming out to get all up in your grill.
Clowns are scarier than zombies. It's true and you know it.

Zombies are cute

Seriously, you know they are. Look at the picture of the undead kids. Doesn't it just make you smile?
Zombies are people too . . . just slightly decayed, hungry people with messed up faces. When you face a zombie, you're looking at someone's undead mother, daughter, sister or a poor misunderstood orphan. How does that make you feel. The zombie whose head your bashing in with a baseball bat was probably an orphan. You jerk!
Zombies can't really move fast. The way zombies catch people is by holding their arms out like they want a hug. Have you ever noticed that? Zombies want hugs.
Zombies also want brains.  Now really, who can blame them? Don't we all want brains? Isn't that why we go to school? I personally don't see anything wrong with this. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't want other people's brains.
Zombies move slowly. It's pretty easy to outrun them. Even if you have a wheelchair or a walker you stand a 50/50 chance of getting away. This also gives you more time to taunt them if you're a bully.
People like killing zombies and coming up with clever ways to do it. Admit it, you're totally racist against zombies. You want to take a shotgun and blow them away, don't you? If you're brave and adventurous, you want to hit one in the face with a shovel and see what it sounds like, you jerk.
Zombies are someone's kids. Everybody liked them at some point, but now they're totally hated on just because of a skin problem.

Clowns are scarier than zombies.

 It's true.  Clowns are more clever, faster, noisier, and much more malicious than zombies.  The only thing worse than a clown is a zombie clown!


Sabrina Sumsion said...

Thanks for the chuckle!

John H. Carroll said...

You are very welcome, Sabrina. :)

Wade said...

So true. One need only compare Sweet Tooth to Zachary to see the wisdom and truth in this post. Suddenly, I feel an overwhelming sense of shame for all those hours spent playing Resident Evil 2 in middle school... :D

John H. Carroll said...

Lol, Wade.

Nah. Most zombies really are evil. My wife and eight year old daughter take out scores of them in Left for Dead.

I'm just saying it wouldn't be terrible if a few clowns got caught in the crossfire. ;)