Why Amazon price matched my free short stories

Why my short stories are free:

Amazon recently price matched my 5 short stories that are free at every other online store.  I use these as a way to get my writing out there so that people will hopefully buy my novels if they like the shorts.  It was very common for sci-fi and fantasy authors to write short stories for magazines like "Astounding" and "Amazing" back in the golden age of pulp fiction.  This is my eBook version of their strategy.

Ereader News Today

Ereader News Today http://ereadernewstoday.com/ is a website that has "Tips, Tricks, And Free Ebooks For Your Kindle".  I talk to Greg, the admin of the site, to let him know about the short stories when they went free on Amazon.

The site is wonderful for Kindle readers because it alerts them to deals and also gives tips for using the devices.

Anyway, he emailed me this question:

"Hi John,

Was there anything that you did to get your books free or did Amazon just decide to make them free?  Another author was asking me about this and I wasn't sure."

 

My long winded response

Short answer.  I made the stories free elswhere.  Then, on the Amazon page of each, there's a spot near underneath the Amazon rankings that says:  Would you like to give feedback on images or tell us about a lower price?  
Tell them about the lower price on one of the other stores, preferably B&N as they're the biggest competitor.  A Smashwords link probably works too.  After that they price matched mine a few weeks later.  Theoretically it will happen faster if more than 1 person reports lower prices, though I don't have statistical evidence of that. The Author does not make any money off of free eBooks that are price matched.

That wasn't as short as I expected, lol.  As far as the long answer goes, I spent some time figuring this out as much as possible. Much of this is my personal opinion after paying attention to responses from Amazon and watching their behavior.

Amazon doesn't really want to give books away for free. That said, they pay very close attention to what everyone else is doing, especially Smashwords and B&N right now.  Authors like giving away free ebooks if it will bring readers to their paid books. (it does - free ebooks on Amazon had directly resulted in 17 sales of my 2 paid books since Friday, when I only had 3 all month before that)  Amazon sees that it works and realizes that it has to match the successful activities of its competitors while also trying to come up with new means of leading the market. 

They didn't do it very often before because until last month, their contract didn't allow for them not to pay the author if they price matched for free.  In April they added a provision that stated they would not pay the author if they pricematched a book that was free elsewhere.  Then it looks like they matched authors that had their books free on Smashwords or B&N from what I can tell; that's largely speculation though.

I still think Amazon would prefer to sell the books.  I don't think they will offer a free option anytime soon, though I could be wrong.  They know a lot of Indie Authors tend to be crafty marketers and have created a system for those authors to work with.  I know that I've had 20,000 downloads since Friday between all 5 books.  I think a lot of them will be read later and some even forgotten by those readers, but I've seen my for sale books jump and I expect a larger number of purchases of them for at least a month or two as a result.

Anyway, I hope that helps.  I also hope I didn't bore you to death. ;)  lol.  Hmmm . . . I should make this email into a blog.  *laughing*

Have a good week and feel free to email me any time if you have any other questions. :)

John

Anyway, I thought I would share my speculations on this blog as I mentioned in the letter.  *grin*  The eBook revolution is really an extraordinary event and it's fascinating to see the world changing at such a rapid pace with every new technology.  It will be interesting to see what happens next.

Good Chapter, Bad Chapter

Writing

I absolutely love writing.  Most of what I write is sci-fi and fantasy with humor thrown in.  I've written 3 books and I'm working on more.  I've also written a few short stories, but they're actually harder for me.  I like books better.
Book two is better than book one and book 3 is the best.  I like book 1 a lot and think I did an excellent job with it.  The characters are rich and vivid and the dialogue is fun.  But it was my first book and I had to establish the characters.  In a lot of ways it was really hard and there's a good deal of information that I had to deliver to the reader.  That information took time away from the characters, dialogue and plot.
In book two, all of the characters were established, so I could get to the story.  I define and refine them more with each book. 

The dialogue in book 2 includes a lot of banter and humor in it.  I've had a blast writing it.  Book 3 was very action packed, but there was a part of 2 that really slowed me down.

Good chapter

Sometimes the words flow and I find myself grinning while I write. This is what I love. I'm reading the book and enjoying the story immensely. The characters are vivid in my mind and on the page. Every once in awhile, all of the words fall onto the page in perfect order and show exactly what I'm thinking.
I love it when a line happens that seems brillian to me. It's something I wish I had said in real life. The character in the book becomes impressive for having said it and the other characters are impressed by that cleverness.
This is one of my favorite things that I wrote in book 2
He handed his expenses pouch to Sir Danth. It had enough gold in it to rent a room as long as it wasn’t unreasonable. “See if you can get a room on the top floor facing the fortress,” he told the knight, pointing at the three level inn. “If it’s too expensive, take whatever you can.”
“I was under the impression you wished to handle matters of money, Master Tathan,” the knight said with a frown. Tathan really wanted to know how he did that.
“I have someone to go talk to,” Tathan replied cryptically.
“Why not give the money to your cousin?” Sir Danth asked, holding the pouch out to Liselle.
“Because, people don’t take money pouches out of the hand of an armored knight with a big sword, but they do take it from pretty young women,” he explained, gesturing toward Liselle.
“Nonetheless, I prefer to allow you or the pretty young lady do the talking,” the knight replied, handing the pouch to Liselle. “I promise to use my big sword to hit anyone who should attempt to take the pouch from the pretty young lady.”
Tathan sighed.
“You sigh a great deal, Master Tathan. Did you know?” the knight replied.
I loved writing that, it makes me grin.  The words were flowing here and the rest of the chapter did too.  Writing was easy and fun after this because of momentum that was created.

Bad chapter

Sometimes the words don't flow. This is when writing gets hard. I could stop and come back later, but the book never gets written that way. It's a bit like golf. You hit an amazing shot and that's what makes you love the game. Then for the next five holes every shot finds the nearest sand trap or water hazard. If you want to finish the game, you have to keep hitting.
I hate it when I don't love what I'm writing. It becomes more like work than fun. At one time it would stop me, but I've improved since then, but now I keep writing.
A part of me expects every sentence to be brilliant with light glowing out of the letters and a choir of angels singing it's praises, but that's a bit of an unreal expectation . . . yeah, just a bit.  They're not all going to be like that though.
So, when I get to one of those chapters where it's just not flowing great, I keep writing.  I try to make everything decent and hope it reads well. 
Hopefully, those great chapters where everything is brilliant will carry the reader over the one or two chapters that are merely interesting.  Then they'll get to the next brilliant chapter and have a grin that's just as big as mine when I wrote it.

Mapmaking for fantasy worlds

Most books in the fantasy genre have maps at the front.  Lord of the Rings is the obvious example.  Many people have seen a map of Middle Earth at some point or another.  If there isn't a map in a fantasy book, it can actually upset the reader greatly.

The thing about fantasy books is that they are generally set in a world of the writer's imagination.  Most of the time those worlds are epic playgrounds spread throughout kingdom, mountain ranges, forests, continents and exotic cities.  The writer can see these places in his/her imagination, but the reader can get a little lost with "They went to the forest, then climbed a mountain west of there, then went to the caves to the north, and then along the windy river to the city in the south."

So it really helps the reader if a map is provided.  That way the reader can visualize what's going on as they read.  In well developed worlds, there are usually a number of maps.  Some of them will center in on countries or even detailed city maps.

How the writer goes about making the maps can vary.  I write fantasy novels, but I'm terrible at drawing.  I'd love to eventually pay someone for professional looking maps, but right now my children need food.  I've tried telling them to stop eating, but my wife says that's a very bad thing.  *sigh*  So I have to draw the maps myself.

Here is the "world map" that I've drawn.  It's not actually the entire world, rather just the northern continent.  However, there's enough space here to fit numerous series of books.

Now the first thing you might notice is that the writing is amazing!  Yeah, that's not my handwriting.  After I was done drawing everything by hand, I scanned it into the computer and used the free image editing software called GIMP http://www.gimp.org/ to erase my terrible handwriting and add in the words with a much nicer font.

It was difficult trying to figure out the different symbols.  My first couple of versions didn't look anything like this.  You couldn't tell where a country started and where a river ended.  I looked at numerous other maps to see how they had done it and then improvised with a hodge-podge of different styles.  The important thing is that it's fairly easy to tell what's what.

You may notice that there are very few cities named.  I honestly don't know what cities are where in most cases.  I haven't made them up.  The first part I made up was the Kingdom of Paruth.  It was a setting for the original book I was going to write with a character named Calren.   After writing the first chapter of that story, I had him meet Pelya, a female soldier of the Blue Wyverns mercenaries.  Then I wrote her biography and had her start out in the city of Dralin.  I placed the Blue Wyverns in the Kingdom of Deller.  That's when I drew the map of those kingdoms.  It looked quite a bit different at the time.  I actually wrote about 4 chapters of Pelya's story only to realize that it was more like 4 books worth, so I stopped writing for a few years and did other things.

When I came back to writing, I couldn't find what I had already written, which infuriated me to no end.  I've since found it, but I think that perhaps it was a good thing that allowed me to start with a fresh slate.  I decided to start with an image I had in my head.  It was of a man standing in a mountain valley headed home.  That book, I finished.  It's called Rojuun.  I've since turned it into a trilogy called the Willden Trilogy.

The problem was that I hadn't conceived of that part of the map, so I had to draw it.  Then I came up with the kingdoms of Mayncal and Brindlyn as well as the Iynath Empire.  Well, I hadn't conceived of those either.  So they were placed to the east of the original maps.  The Iynath Empire is mostly desert.  I was raised in the Mojave Desert and found myself amazed at how everything west of the Sierra Nevadas was lush and green while everything to the east was dry and largely barren.  That's probably where I got the inspiration for that sort of climate set up.

The Willden Trilogy wasn't named right away.  I honestly didn't know what to name it by the time I was done with the second book.  For lack of anything better, I decided to name it for the Willden Forest.  All three of the books spend at least some of the story in that forest, so it made sense.  I used GIMP to chop out that part of the map and placed it in the books so that the reader could see better where the companions were traveling.

My next trilogy will be the story of Pelya and will be set in the city of Dralin.  Since the Willden Trilogy sounded really good, I decided that I would go with a running theme and title all of my trilogies based on their location.  So the next trilogy will be the Dralin Trilogy.  I haven't made a map of that city yet.  I plan on writing the first book and making up the locations as I go.  When I publish the book, I hope to have a map of the city in it then. :)

How to sit down and write

The journey of writing -

The first time I sat down to write a book, I got a lot of work done around the house.

It seems an odd statement, but it's true. Whether you want to write the greatest novel ever or something small like a poem or song, there comes a point where you need to get around to writing it. While I say "sitting down", you don't actually have to do so if you prefer to write while lying down or standing up. ;)

Coming up with the story is usually the easy part. Maybe you come up with ten stories, and can't decide between them, but there's always some sort of story. Even most poems and songs have a story or central idea.

I started out by trying my hand at a few poems. Then I went on to short stories and finally a novel. But the same thing held true with all of them. The hardest part was sitting down and actually writing the thing.

So you finally decide you're going to sit down and put that idea you have in words. You turn on your computer, boot it up and turn on your internet browser. First you want to check your favorite pages: twitter, facebook, sports, blog and the like. Then you have to write a few comments or responses to various things. You have to tweet that you've finally sat down to write as well.

Two hours have passed and you realize that you haven't even opened a blank document to write in, so you do that immediately! While that's opening, you have to go to the bathroom. Then you have to get a fresh drink. The problem is: you're out of your favorite drink. Time to make a quick run to the store.

At the store, you meet your neighbor. She tells you about an event she'd like you to attend. It's for charity of course. Perhaps you can spend some of your time to help out a little bit.

Two months later, you open up a new blank document. This time, you're really going to write . . . just as soon as you check the page views on your blog . . .

Okay, so that's how it works. When I first started writing, I found myself doing stuff around the house. I got some things fixed, a corner of the attic was cleaned out. All of my laundry was washed, things like that. It happens. Life has a lot of distractions.

Writing takes a lot of focus. There comes a point where you have to force yourself to remain in the seat and start writing. Just say no to housework and charity for a while. I have a family with three kids who want attention quite often. (silly little buggers) I have to be responsible and do a semi-decent job of raising them, but there comes a point where it's okay to tell them they need to let you write.

Writing -

Now that you've sat down, and you're ignoring that last load of laundry and that letter to your congressman that you've been meaning to write for the last 2 years, you need to write.

"It was a dark and stormy night" . . . no no no. *jam down the backspace key* "It was a bright and sunny day" . . . *jam the backspace again* . . . *sigh dramatically*

It's very hard to sit down and write. The first thing you need to do is sit down and force yourself to focus on the story. The second thing you need to do is actually write. This is the second place where a person gets hung up.

I always expect that first sentence to have some glowing, divine light shooting out of it. I want an epic "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times" sort of entrance. It's not going to happen. For all we know, he re-wrote that 20 times before getting it right. He probably started with "It was a dark and stormy night" just like the rest of us. ;)

Write something.  Even if it's not great.  Just start writing.  Write the first sentence or line, then the next and the next.  After you're done with your first paragraph, you're probably going to hate it.  Don't change it right now though.  Go ahead and write your second, and your third.

The first key to writing is to sit down and write!  It's also the hardest.  I can't stress enough that the best way to get started is to sit down.  Stay seated.  Write.  Write some more.  Write even more.  Don't stop writing.

After a while, you'll get some momentum.  You'll get a flow going.  You might even start to have fun. :)
Best of luck to you.  :)

Dream Gourds: Are they real?

What is a dream gourd?

I first read about dream gourds in Piers Anthony's "Xanth" series. It's a punny series with dozens of books set in the mythical land of Xanth. The dream gourd is essentially a theatre setting where the Night Stallion sets up nightmares for people. These nightmares are delivered by "Night Mares" travelling to people to deliver the bad dreams. Day Mares deliver daydreams.

The sets withing the dream gourd are set up like a maze.  If you stare into one of these gourds, you can get stuck in there and your body will be frozen until eye contact is broken.

My dream gourd

So, here's the thing.  I dream in a similar way to the dream gourd.  It's not like in the book where there's a bunch of horses delivering dreams out of a set of course.

The sets are there though.  It's hard for me to remember or describe them all.   I know there's a beach set, a Los Angeles concrete river setting, a plantation setting in Georgia of all things, a forest setting, city settings, a wooden house setting, and various others that don't necessarily make sense.
The interesting thing is that I force all of my dreams into these settings.  I know it may seem weird, but it's true.  I can't control every aspect of my dreams, but by controling the settings, I can influence them.
Here's the cool thing:  I almost never have full fledged nightmares.  If a dream starts developing into a nightmare, I have numerous outlets in my settings that allow me to escape.  I can't really describe them, but they're there.

Every great once in a while, I'll get caught by the beginnings of a nightmare that comes on fast.  It takes a little work, but I wake myself up before it ever gets too bad.

Another cool feature is a small rewind.  I can rewind a moment of different dreams if I need to see how it works out with a different response on my part.  It helps me to learn how to handle the situation better.

About once every couple of years, a new setting appears.  It's possible that it happens more often, but I can't say.  I don't remember most of my dreams, just a few here and there.

Dream sets really help me to sleep more peacefully and my dreams are often productive, allowing me to consider events in different ways so that I can improve.  The nightmare escape routes are particularily useful. :)

Do you have a dream gourd?

 I'm curious if others have sets where their dreams happen.  Do you have escape routes for nightmares?  Do you learn from your dreams?  Do you control them at all?

How my first book came to be:

My first book: "Rojuun"

This is something I wrote back in November after publishing my book on Smashwords:

The process

I finally finished and published my book as an ebook. This was a project that I started back in February. Originally I decided to try to write a book when I was 21, back in 1991. 20 years later I've succeeded.

I've tried a few times to write a book and gotten starts to it, but this is the first success I've had.  It's not easy at all to write a book and I've failed more than once.

This time I started with the decision not to edit until I was done.  Previously, everytime I've tried writing, I went back after each chapter and tried to make it perfect.  What happened is that I stopped writing.  Or I changed my mind about what I wanted to do and became disheartened.

The next decision I made was not to make an outline.  I have a tendency to become bored when I know what's supposed to happen next.  Trying to make the story fit specifically into the outline lost my interest after awhile.

So this time, I started with an image in my mind about a valley that I can see vividly and have been since I was a child.  I don't know where it is, but it's always the same valley with a homestead and I was coming home after being gone for a long time.  That is where the main character Tathan starts.

Then I made up the people living there.  After that, I had no idea what was going to happen.  I wrote with the idea that Tathan and his cousin were on an adventure.  I take them north through a forest where they meet a couple of other individuals.  Throughout the entire book, I had very little idea what was going to happen next.  The amazing thing was that this really worked for me.

As I wrote, I became a better writer.  By the end of the book, my writing skills had become pretty good.  February and March went well and I had sixty thousand words written.  Then I did a play with my wife.  memorizing 200+ lines for a lead role is not easy and tends to make writing more difficult too.  As a result, most of April was lost.  I managed to pick it back up in June and finished the first draft at the end of the month.

Editing was a difficult process, which I will describe in future blogs.  It went through 5 edits from July to November.  By the end of it all the editing, I was sick of looking at words.  However, it reads well.  The paragraphs flow well together and there are no typos that I can see anymore.  With 107,860 words, I might have missed one or two though.

I am so thrilled to have it done and published.  I don't know how many copies I'll sell, but at least I can say that I've written a book. :)

Why I'm publishing as an ebook

The name of the book is "Rojuun". It's high fantasy with some humor thrown in. I published it as an ebook on Smashwords, which will allow me to make 85% off of each sale on their website. They also transformed the manuscript into all of the forms necessary for eReaders like the kindle, nook, ipad and smart phones.  The first 25% of the book is available as a free sample so that readers can look through it and see if they actually want to buy it.

The problem is that most publishers most likely will not touch it now.  Publishers want 1st publishing rights and that's gone.  I decided not to go through a publisher as all of them now work only through agents.  Getting a good agent takes a long time.  Most have an overwhelming amount of manuscripts to look through.  Then they have to sell my manuscript to the publisher along with who knows how many others.  Then the publisher has to look it over.  4 years later, the writer gets a rejection letter. *sigh*  Then, even if they do publish it, the writer still has to do much of the marketing themselves and only gets about 7-15% per copy sold.

It was a tough decision, but I decided to sell it as an ebook and hope for the best. :)

Now it's been published for 5 months.  Not only do I not regret self-publishing, I absolutely think I made the right decision.  In addition to that, I've discovered a blossoming community of like minded individuals.  Indie Authors are a movement that is bringing artistry and individuality back to writing.  Publishing houses run businesses and try to make artists fit into their business mold.

Writing is an art form that needs to spread its wings.  I primarily write fantasy novels, but even they aren't completely traditonal.  I use expressions like "nomming" and "going dragon".  No publisher would ever allow that.  I have become friends with many other writers that do not fit into traditional genres.  Together we are changing the world of writing. :)

Oh, and Rojuun is off to a strong start. It's the first book of a trilogy.  Book 2 is now published and Book 3 is written and waiting for final edits.  I've changed the price to $3.99, which is the standard for many Indie Authors.   It is now for sale at:

Smashwords: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/31154 

Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004TXS0DI 

Apple: http://itunes.apple.com/us/book/rojuun/id409277486?mt=11# 

B&N: http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Rojuun/John-H-Carroll/e/2940011140402/?itm=6 

Sony: http://ebookstore.sony.com/ebook/john-h-carroll/rojuun/_/R-400000000000000323599

Kobo: http://www.kobobooks.com/ebook/Rojuun/book--UHyosT0W0eQr7KjeGTSWA/page1.html

Diesel: http://www.diesel-ebooks.com/item/SW00000031154/Carroll-John-H./Rojuun/1.html

and Scribd: http://www.scribd.com/doc/54493440/Rojuun-Willden-Trilogy-Book-1

Breakthrough Bookstore

As I'm writing my books, I'm also trying to get people to buy them.  Luckily there are a lot of people out there in the magical web they call world wide, that like to tell others about stuff. 



One of the sites I've discovered recently is called Breakthrough Bookstore: http://www.breakthroughbookstore.com/ 

"Breakthrough Bookstore is trying to provide a venue for self-published authors to shine through the Self-Published Authors Marketplace because we want the reading public to change their perspective of self-published works and help make self-publishing a valuable and lucrative part of the publishing industry."

Indie Authors that publish their books as eBooks for eReaders are a new force in publishing.  Smashwords and Amazon are two of the primary movers in this field among others.  Breakthrough Bookstore promotes Indie Authors that publish through these stores.


Check them out if you're interested in finding new hidden gems. :)

"The other parts of our bookstore are an effort to bring into one place nonfiction books (traditionally published) that can help you in different areas of your Life and Business. We want this to be a place where people can come and browse comfortably without the hassle that often accompanies trying to search with keywords on Amazon."

You can also follow them on facebook where they keep their followers up to date on their activities.
http://www.facebook.com/BreakthroughBookstore

"The entrepreneurial spirit so prevalent today has produced many quality books through various self-publishing avenues. You will be amazed at the diamonds you can find! Shop here and tell your friends about this special venue for self-published authors."

Poem - For Better or Worse

Explanation

 I write poetry for my wife every once in awhile.  This is one I wrote last year when we were going through some tough times.
I don't try to write masterpieces with my poetry, just convey whatever I'm feeling at the moment.

For better or worse


I married you for better or worse.
I want you to know that you are the part of my life that is the “better”.
The universe is the part that is the worse.
I’ll kick the universe’s ass later.

I love being married to you. 
I love holding you.
I love coming home to you.
I love you.

Life is really hard right now for us.
There have been many trials by fire. . .
. . . ice, wind, earth, spirit,
Goblins, trolls. . .you name it, if it’s been a trial, it’s been there for us.

We have both struggled with these trials.
I am supposed to be your rock.
I feel more like a pebble lately.
The kind of pebble that gets its ass kicked by other pebbles.

Thirteen years is a long time in this day and age.
The truth is, I’d like to be with you for thirteen decades.
Not a decade more.  We don’t want to push it. 
Okay maybe a few more decades. . .

You are my love. 
It is simple enough to say.
But you know how much it means. 
I think perhaps I should call you that a bit more.

We will get through the worse.
You and I are capable of making it through anything.
That’s not an invitation for the universe to dump on us btw.
We will make it through these trials.

You are the better in my life.
You are the reason I keep going.
You are my love.
Together, we can make it through the worse.

 Copyright 2009 John H. Carroll

Poetry - "Table for One" or "Would You Like to Come to Dinner?"

Inspiration

I decided to become a writer back in 1991 when I was 21. Writing a book seemed like an imposing task and before I did so, I thought I would see whether or not I had any talent at all. I wrote about 50 poems to start with. Looking back at them now, I wonder how I came to the conclusion that I did have talent. *grin*

I saw a beautiful spider web one morning. My first poem was . . . well . . . poetic. Then I decided to write a humorous version. This is the second. 

"Table for One" or "Would You Like to Come to Dinner?"

Sitting at a table for one
All alone in the center
A round silken table suspended in air
Mrs. Spider is the master of her domain
Mrs. Spider is happy
She will have many children to feed soon
Mr. Spider is no longer with us
Mrs. Spider was hungry
Mr. Fly is hungry
Let’s visit Mrs. Spider
Maybe she will have something to eat
She will now
Mrs. Ladybug is sociable
Let’s visit Mrs. Spider
Maybe she will have news or gossip
No, but she’ll have a new meal to gobble
My, my, so many coming to dinner
Mrs. Spider is having a feast
Everyone can come to the big meal
Not many can leave
Mr. Young Boy is in a bad mood
He doesn’t like Mrs. Spider
Mr. Young Boy is such a party crasher
So Long Mrs. Spider

Copyright 1991 John H. Carroll

Have you ever noticed that clowns are scarier than zombies?

Clowns are scary

Seriously, you know it's true! Oh sure, some of them have smiles and pretty hair and noses that honk, but that's all just a facade. Behind all that face paint is a demon or something. Maybe even an alien. Yeah, I bet there's an alien underneath all that make up.  There is something truly sinister about clowns. They never show you who they truly are. I think clowns are always plotting, always scanning the crowd to see who they can honk their horn at or mimic in a way that makes everyone but you laugh.
Why do we need sad and angry clowns? There's enough sadness and anger in the world without some dude with more make up than Tammy Fay to be running around exagerating it.
The happy clowns are even worse, because you know they're not really happy. They probably have a drinking problem. All clowns do, you know. Happy clowns probably cry more than sad clowns when you're not looking.
Clowns want to beat you up. You know it's true. They want to beat you up because you seem normal on the outside. They want to beat up your family too, even your grandma. That's right; clowns don't like your grandma.
Unlike zombies, clowns are fast. They always appear out of nowhere and when you run from them, they keep up with you. They have really big feet which allows them to cover more ground. Clown feet are dangerous because you know they're going to step on your toes. You can't dance with a clown either.
If you try to fight a clown, you're doomed. They call all their friends who drive up in a clown car capable of holding an infinite number of clowns . . . or midgets, but that's another story. If you beat up on Bofo then Spanky, Albert, Ronald McDonald, Fluffy and their clown friends are coming out to get all up in your grill.
Clowns are scarier than zombies. It's true and you know it.

Zombies are cute

Seriously, you know they are. Look at the picture of the undead kids. Doesn't it just make you smile?
Zombies are people too . . . just slightly decayed, hungry people with messed up faces. When you face a zombie, you're looking at someone's undead mother, daughter, sister or a poor misunderstood orphan. How does that make you feel. The zombie whose head your bashing in with a baseball bat was probably an orphan. You jerk!
Zombies can't really move fast. The way zombies catch people is by holding their arms out like they want a hug. Have you ever noticed that? Zombies want hugs.
Zombies also want brains.  Now really, who can blame them? Don't we all want brains? Isn't that why we go to school? I personally don't see anything wrong with this. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't want other people's brains.
Zombies move slowly. It's pretty easy to outrun them. Even if you have a wheelchair or a walker you stand a 50/50 chance of getting away. This also gives you more time to taunt them if you're a bully.
People like killing zombies and coming up with clever ways to do it. Admit it, you're totally racist against zombies. You want to take a shotgun and blow them away, don't you? If you're brave and adventurous, you want to hit one in the face with a shovel and see what it sounds like, you jerk.
Zombies are someone's kids. Everybody liked them at some point, but now they're totally hated on just because of a skin problem.

Clowns are scarier than zombies.

 It's true.  Clowns are more clever, faster, noisier, and much more malicious than zombies.  The only thing worse than a clown is a zombie clown!

Emo bunnies attack!

Me and the emo bunnies have already conquered the world.  We kept it a secret and no one knew anything about it.  After a week or so, running the world depressed us, so we gave it back with no hard feelings.

Now we're just kicking back in our sad little world where we write about the adventures of people who are at least slightly crazy.  Thank you for joining us in our little journey.  Be sure to give the emo bunnies lots of carrots and hugs and may your days not totally suck.

Sincerely,

John H. Carroll