Writing is opening up my mind
One of the biggest things that's really starting to happen to me now that I'm writing so much is that I'm beginning to wonder where I'm getting all of these ideas and concepts. I'm not just talking about the story ideas; but the beliefs, visual concepts, desires and actions that the characters take.
I find myself wondering where I get the idea to have a character turn left instead of right. Why does the character kill the person in front of them? Is it possible that I'm fascinated by death somehow? I see suffering in the imaginary worlds that is more easily confronted than the suffering in our own.
There is light, happiness and love in my imagination as well. Nobility exists where individuals give of themselves with honor and compassion, yet much of that is lacking in the day to day machinations of people I pass on the street.
I find myself contemplating all these things with each chapter I write, especially when I get into my weird stories like the Demented Children series.
Who am I really?
I now begin to wonder who I am that I have these thoughts in my head. I'm not a hero or villain. Where does my understanding of the concepts of villainy and heroism stem from? Where do I stand in this philosophy? Am I the simple villager who watches everyone else take bold actions for good or evil?
I have stepped forward to help those in need, but not always. I have felt shame at not having done more here and there. It's never been anything momentous, but what would I do if it was? What would I do if I saw the chance to save someone's life at the cost of my own?
Where do all these thoughts come from?
I used to want to save the world.
Now that I'm writing these stories where people are in danger, wars ravage kingdoms and suffering exists everywhere; I'm also sending out my characters to change the imaginary world and make it a better place. Doing so has brought up my original purpose of helping humanity to overcome its darkness and despair again.
In many ways, the noble, foolish young man was a better version of me than I am now. I am more practical, but less noble in my actions. It is hard to reconcile these feelings.