Normally I read "Twas the Night Before Christmas" to my kids on Christmas Eve. However, I was exhausted last night and went to bed before doing so. I woke up Christmas morning, realized my error and felt terrible. Now the good news is that I'm a writer, so why not make use of my talent (I use that word loosely) and create something special to make up for it. So . . . here goes . . .
Twas the Day After the Night Before Christmas
Copyright 2019 John H. Carroll
All Rights Reserved
'Twas the day after the night before Christmas, when all through the apartment
Most of the creatures were stirring, except the elephant; (I couldn’t afford one of those)
The stockings were hung on the wall before the kids awoke,
Knowing that their dad was totally broke;
The children struggled to get out of their beds,
Forgetting that visions of sugar-plums had danced in their heads;
And mamma isn’t here anymore, and I’m just their pap,
Who’s ready for another long winter's nap, (jeez I’m tired)
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I struggled up from the couch to see what was the matter,
Away to the window I bumbled, unlike flash,
Accidentally tore off a blind and slid open the sash. (I looked up what a sash was and our window has one)
The sun on the breast of the days-old snow, (this always sounds so dirty)
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below, (because it is midday)
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a dude walking his dog dressed up like a reindeer, (I’m not telling whether the dude or the dog was dressed up)
When an idiot driver, so lively and quick,
Sped down our residential road like a total prick.
More rapid than eagles his street racer came,
And I whistled, and shouted, and called him by name;
"Now, Cretin! now Dumbass! now Wanker! and Dipstick!
You Ninny! You Dotard! You Fopdoodle and bootlick!
To the end of the street! Right into a wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
I heaved a great gusty sigh,
So back to the couch I stumbled with much ballyhoo,
Tripping over toys, and St. Nicholas too. (Why in the world is he asleep under my tree? There wasn’t that much whisky in the eggnog I left for him)
And then in a twinkling, I heard from the apartment above,
The prancing and dancing of children and animals and the elephant they could afford . . . and a dove. (Apparently this poem has to rhyme, so whatevs)
As I rose my hand, flipped them off, and was turning around,
Up popped St. Nicholas right off the ground.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with cookie crumbs and soot;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
Wait, is that my PS4 in his sack?
His bloodshot eyes -- how they twinkled! his meth scars how merry!
His diseased cheeks were like roses, his twisted nose like a cherry!
His droll little lips were cracked and most his teeth were gone,
And the beard on his chin was scraggly as a leprechaun; (rhymes are hard)
The stump of a joint he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath; (Hey! This is a no-smoking apartment!)
He had a sunken face and an emaciated belly,
That rumbled, needing a sandwich of peanut butter and jelly.
He wasn’t Saint Nick, not a right jolly old elf,
And I growled when I saw him, quite beside myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his escape,
Stole all the stockings; then turned like an ape,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And flipping the bird, out the window he chose;
He sprang to his car, to his crew gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But ere he drove out of sight, I heard him drawl,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ME, AND TO ME A GOOD HAUL!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all.
All my best,
John H. Carroll