Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Baby raising advice for Duchess Kate

Why I'm giving advice.

I figure since Snooki can offer parenting advice, so can I.  To let you know my qualifications, I've successfully raised one child and kicked her out . . . ummm . . . sent her off to college.  I also have two others pending.  One is 15 and the other is 9.  They'll probably make it until I can kick . . . send them off to college too.

So here goes.

1.  Don't drop the baby.

You won't find this step in most child raising books.  Which is silly because it's a rather important step.

2. Tell them you love them every day

Seriously. It makes at least a little bit of difference. I usually do it at least 2 or 3 times a day.

3.  Don't use duct tape for anything baby-related.

My wife made this very clear to me.  While duct tape is extremely useful for just about everything, that rule doesn't apply to babies.

4.  Same for WD-40.

See #3 above.

5. Give them hugs. Lots and lots of hugs.

Positive physical contact means the world. It might just benefit you too.

Elisabeth Louise Vigée-Lebrun, Madame Vigée-Lebrun et sa fille 
(pretty sure that's French for hugs. I may be wrong though)

6.  Don't pay attention to them when they're playing.

You'll give yourself a heart attack if you watch the insane things your children are going to try to do.  Let them learn social skills and how to deal with success and failure.  Be advised that hospital bills may occur as a result of following this advice.

7.  Let them have a pet.

Worms are the easiest to take care of.  I'm pretty sure they just eat dirt, which is probably what your child will eat at some point too.

8.  Guess.

If you don't know what to do next, then guess.  It's what most of us do.  Just don't tell your children that it's a guess.  Make them think you have it all under control.

9.  As an alternative to #8, ask for advice.

Just be aware that the person giving you advice is probably guessing too.  Either that, or they read a book, but the person writing the book was just guessing too.

10.  Survive the bad and cherish the good.

Your child will give you grey hair and make you cry. 
But then they'll smile and tell you they love you.  You'll be amazed at how wonderful that feels.

Well, Duchess Kate, I hope that helps you raise your baby successfully.  All my best and cheerio.

John H. Carroll


Al Fetherlin said...

Um, no duct tape... be right back.

ok, back. Well, thanks for the advice, I'll pass it on to my friends.

Anonymous said...

*grin* yeah, they leave the duct tape thing out of the manuals too.

Kenny said...

Excellent advice!

Anonymous said...

Thank you. :)

Ann said...

LOL Love the duct tape one and you are absolutely right about don't pay attention when they are playing! Sheesh my Kyler is ALL boy and he scares me I swear the boy in gonna break something before he is six, but I just tell him if he gets hurt doing "x" don't come crying to mommy! My Mother-in-law has a heart attack if he even rides his bike!

John H. Carroll said...

I understand that completely! The worst part is that we have a trampoline and a merry-go-round in our backyard. If I watch them, I start saying, "No. No. Don't do that. No. No. NO!!!" lol.